Rainy days...

The rain pisses me off.
Well, not the rain so much, but the muck, the dirt, and all that goes with the rains.
There are very few things that make me feel better on a rainy day!
One of those things is if it were to stop raining! And the other is to stay at home, snuggled up in pj's in bed, with a great book and something hot to drink. Right at this moment I want to read the latest NR book and drink some hot soup.
Perfect!

Right now, at this very moment, I want to sit on the rocks that I see inside my head (not imaginary, but at a real place.)
Rocks against which the waves crash. How cliched is that?
But if you see those rocks, you will know what I am saying.
I am not a person who likes solitude, but at this very moment I want nothing more than to sit on those rocks, with the waves crashing about me.
I want nothing more than the wind blowing my hair about my face.
I want nothing more than to hear the sound, or the silence around me.
I want nothing more than to see the windmill that stands a kilometer away from those rocks.
I want nothing more than to talk out loud to those rocks.

As I close my eyes, I can see the sun setting, the boats in the distance looking black and the sea inviting.

As a child, those rocks were not my focus, at the very same place. It was the beach, the ball or the latest game my cousins and I were upto. Innocence lost.

I miss that place. I want to go there soon. I will...

"Such thinking was a consequence of Julian, she knew. She supposed that all those years of loving a person who was dishonest has taught her a few things."

- Jhumpa Lahiri - Unaccustomed Earth.

Won't let it break me! Won't!

Free....

Im taking control of my life!
I am not going to mope and feel low.
Not going to feel sorry for me!

Im being affirmative!
Im being free
Im being me!

:)

Dealing...Blocking

Don't block it out, she said. Fight it, find the reason behind it.
But, I said, blocking it out is the best way I deal with it! The best way I ever will be able to deal with it, and it's the only way for me!

I don't want to bring back all the memories, all the pain, all the hurt, all the humiliation!
I simple want to block it all out! Block block block!

What is the point, I ask, in finding out the reason behind it, in analyzing it and understanding it. What is it going to achieve?
Is the analyzing and understanding in question going to make me feel better? Is it going to make the person who hurt me beyond words come crawling back to me, only so that I can make him feel the same way? Is it going to make things right for me again?
No! Its not going to achieve any of those things, all its going to do is make me think, make me wonder and make me cry.

So, Block!