A friend lost...

I feel displaced...
I miss her... her twisted humor, her crazy behavior, her irrational logic at times.
I feel displaced.

I feel replaced...
replaced with another's words, thoughts, feelings...
replaced with i'm not sure what.

I feel a friend's loss
I don't know what to say, do, or think
Overreaction is my forte, but then so be it...

A friend lost...?

A moment's madness

A friend expressing his desires....in a state of boredom....in a moment of madness....
(P.S. Its fun...)

Rohit: i feel like burning sm1's hair

just so tht i can smell it

which shampoo do u use?

then i feel like puttin some meat in sm1's underwear and lettin lose a pack of rabid dogs

ur not allergic to meat right?

now toh i feel like biting sm1's eyelashes out

ul hug me wen u meet me rite?

then i feel like puttin a box of mentos in sm1's mouth and spitting some coke in it in the pretext of me kissing her

im sure ur pixu likes mentos....doesnt she?

uggh

the society of flaws covets me with boredom which enthralls my appetite to spread more misery among some brainless humans

hahahahahaha

fuck ive lost it

well i never had it in the first place

but then hahahahaha

Rainy days...

The rain pisses me off.
Well, not the rain so much, but the muck, the dirt, and all that goes with the rains.
There are very few things that make me feel better on a rainy day!
One of those things is if it were to stop raining! And the other is to stay at home, snuggled up in pj's in bed, with a great book and something hot to drink. Right at this moment I want to read the latest NR book and drink some hot soup.
Perfect!

Right now, at this very moment, I want to sit on the rocks that I see inside my head (not imaginary, but at a real place.)
Rocks against which the waves crash. How cliched is that?
But if you see those rocks, you will know what I am saying.
I am not a person who likes solitude, but at this very moment I want nothing more than to sit on those rocks, with the waves crashing about me.
I want nothing more than the wind blowing my hair about my face.
I want nothing more than to hear the sound, or the silence around me.
I want nothing more than to see the windmill that stands a kilometer away from those rocks.
I want nothing more than to talk out loud to those rocks.

As I close my eyes, I can see the sun setting, the boats in the distance looking black and the sea inviting.

As a child, those rocks were not my focus, at the very same place. It was the beach, the ball or the latest game my cousins and I were upto. Innocence lost.

I miss that place. I want to go there soon. I will...

"Such thinking was a consequence of Julian, she knew. She supposed that all those years of loving a person who was dishonest has taught her a few things."

- Jhumpa Lahiri - Unaccustomed Earth.

Won't let it break me! Won't!

Free....

Im taking control of my life!
I am not going to mope and feel low.
Not going to feel sorry for me!

Im being affirmative!
Im being free
Im being me!

:)

Dealing...Blocking

Don't block it out, she said. Fight it, find the reason behind it.
But, I said, blocking it out is the best way I deal with it! The best way I ever will be able to deal with it, and it's the only way for me!

I don't want to bring back all the memories, all the pain, all the hurt, all the humiliation!
I simple want to block it all out! Block block block!

What is the point, I ask, in finding out the reason behind it, in analyzing it and understanding it. What is it going to achieve?
Is the analyzing and understanding in question going to make me feel better? Is it going to make the person who hurt me beyond words come crawling back to me, only so that I can make him feel the same way? Is it going to make things right for me again?
No! Its not going to achieve any of those things, all its going to do is make me think, make me wonder and make me cry.

So, Block!

Ramblings of a romantic heart

Yes, I am an eternal romantic...
I dream and wish for happy beginnings and blissful everafters.
I wish for a happy world.
I wish for love.

I also wish for lots of romance...even the corny kind.
You know where people would roll their eyes...
Yes, I wish for all of that.

Here is my wish list:

1. Celebrating every single event...from the time we first started dating, the time we first kissed, and the time we first said the 'L' word.
2. Getting corny gifts on above mentioned events/anniversaries. Gifts can be small or big depending on the intensity of the event. Red roses, cards, chocolates, large squishy bears, photoframes with loving pics, all of that.
3. Going for cheesy romantic movies and holding hands.
   
4. Going for really bad movies (and making out *wink*...for lack of anything else to do)
5. Dinner dates, dancing dates, picnics, trips together
6. Kissing and smiling at each other for no apparent reason except being with each other.
7. Getting cozy on a couch at home...with a movie, popcorn and cheap wine.
8. Calling each other at all times, or sending random text messages.
9. Wanting to be with each other at all times.
   
10. Saying "I love you" or " I miss you" at the end of every call, text message or even email.
    

Pondering, wondering and sighing!

It's all new, pretty and rosy now...
But, what if it wears off soon, and I'm left with nothing but affection and no one to shower it on?
What if I am left with this huge vaccuum, this space, this void...that cannot be filled.
What if I am told that its not worth it any more, its not happening, or its just not there?
What should I do in such a case?
Should I cry and lose all feeling like I did the last time?
Or should I be stronger and move on easily...?!

Maybe I should protect myself this time around, not get carried away and just slow down?
Just take it slow and steady...and not fall hard and flat!
But how does one control such emotions, such feelings, such expectation?
Should I block it in my head and heart?

But like my friend said so recently—life is short, give it a chance.
Maybe I will give it a chance, after all one never knows whats in store for us? So no matter how much we think, ponder and wonder, its all in vain....cause as they say its going to happen anyway...

Quite melancholy I feel right now...
I should snap out of it and be the happy person I am—or am expected to me..
sigh...such a burden expectation is!

I wish...

I wish...

I wish I would feel numb

numb so that I can never feel again

numb so that neither pain nor love can penetrate

numb as in be immune to it all...

oh to be numb....numb and all...

I wish...

I wish I could escape

escape into a world of my making

a world where it all goes my way

a world where I choose who gets to be happy or sad

a world where I am neither queen nor slave

of either people or emotions!

a world...oh a world completely of my making!

I wish...

I wish I could run...

run away from the hideousness of things in life

specifically my life...

run away and go so far where nothing or no one can touch me

run away and go hibernate

run away

run away

run away

I wish...

I wish sometimes that life would be perfect

as perfect as they claim in ever-after books

as perfect as they claim in songs and movies!

as perfect as perfect can get.

I wish....

I wish, sometimes in my darkest hour, to not exist.

To not exist and never feel all the things that I am forced to feel

an existence so meager that it makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

To be non-existent! A wonder, a pleasure and a secret desire.

I wish...

I wish I could walk away from it all

walk away from people who I love

walk away from people who love me

walk away from people who have hurt me

walk away from people who I have hurt

walk away...without a glance, or a care.

walk away and just keep walking to a place where i could just be.

Just be nobody maybe.

Where people would not turn to stare

or secretly whisper and smirk.

Where I could be as carefree as the bird in the sky or the fish in the sea

I wish...

I wish I could hide..

hide from who though?

hide from friends, family and foe?

or hide from me....

Could it be that I am my own friend, family and even foe?

Maybe I am my own enemy!

I wish...

I wish I couldn't feel...

Couldn't feel love,

couldn't feel disappointment,

couldn't feel anything and nothing at all!

I wish..

I wish I could love.

Just love without a care in the world.

Love with all the love that I have to give!

Love selflessly or maybe selfishly.

But just love!

I wish, I want, I need to love!

Love without fear

Love without restraints

Love without confusion

Love without complications

Love....with all my emotions!